Dreams, Prayers, and Promises

A Testimony

by
Carol Marsella

Originally written as a letter to a friend on 16 March, 2004. Posted to the Site, at the urging of friend, a few days later.

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I had known for some time that the actor, Robert Fuller, who had portrayed Jess Harper in the 1959 thru 1962 Western, LARAMIE, was planning to attend the Williamsburg Film Festival in Virginia and I had calculated that the trip there, from my home in northern New Jersey, would take me seven hours by car. I had wanted to go to see him, maybe meet him, but my schedule was such that it was going to be impossible for me to attend. It was all right. Reservations were already in place to attend the Festival of the West in Scottsdale, Arizona the following weekend. I would see him there, and I was OK with it all working out the way that it clearly was. Still, it was difficult knowing he was going to be as close to me as a mere few hours' drive away and I toyed for months with the idea of going, even if it was going to be just to meet him and then drive back home.

This is not like me, at all.

The weekend before all this unfolded, my girlfriends, Barb, Judy, Kathy, and I had a brunch together in Summit NJ, in our new favorite restaurant and afterwards Judy and Barb accompanied me back to my home whilst Kathy, having other things to take care of, had to rush off. We spoke of The Williamsburg Film Festival and I stated that I was going to blow it off as I was not up to it. Barb and Judy looked at me like I had just started the Spanish Inquisition and Judy said something to the effect of, "You ARE going. AND I am going with you. I am NOT going to miss seeing you getting to meet Robert Fuller."

NOTE: No picking on the writer! I am switching to present tense here because I am still re-living it all and I probably will be for quite some time.

To say the least, I am stunned by this selfless statement of friendship and feel very blessed at that moment, even if nothing comes of it. Geeze! What a stunning offer!

Judy leaves and Barb and I chat about how sweet it was of her to have said that...

Next day, Judy calls to say she has cleared her schedule and is indeed accompanying me to meet Robert Fuller. We make the plans. We are all set. I am flabbergasted.

Friday evening, after we complete our day's work, we meet at my house and we are on our way. Judy is driving. We set out on a seven-hour drive armed with snacks of strawberries and bottled water. CD's - great music! We chat. We sing. We chat some more. We notice aliens in the sky. I proclaim, "SURE! Of course, they are landing! I am on my way to meet Robert Fuller! They are landing. It's over.  I knew it!" We are tired and we laugh about the aliens for a very long time. Too long. But we are tired. You get the picture.

We arrive in Williamsburg and get settled into our hotel at about 2a.m. and, for some reason, in spite of the fact that we have just driven together for many hours, we still feel the need to talk. So we stay up until 4:30...talking. Don't ask; I do not know. Neither does Judy. (I know because I asked her.) But it is the truth. Go figure!

We say good night and Judy leaves to go to her room.

I take a quick shower and nestle into my bed, while visions of cowboy angels dance in my head... Shortly after I awake, I will meet Robert Fuller. He is the man who owns the voice of Jess Harper, my own childhood angel.

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I have awakened. It is the day that I am going to meet Robert Fuller!

Now there are a couple of things I need to share with you if you are to fully understand what is happening here: For reasons that I am not going to share, I am looking my worst - the worst that I have ever looked in my life. My hair is not so nice, my weight is horrific, my skin is pale, my eyes have no sparkle to them, I am in desperate need of a manicure, my teeth could use a whitening, and in case that is not enough to deter me, I am very tired! Suffice it to say, this is not the best day or the best way to meet the man who played the man who saved my life when I was a child. But, hey. It is what it is, and I am going to do it.

This is not like me, at all.

Normally, I would not even let my friends see me like this and yet here I am actually looking forward to meeting someone who is, in the whole of my life, so important. I am utterly compelled to chance this meeting right now in spite of everything...

Let's face it: every door has been opened and I have been driven - by God, by my heart and by my sweet friend - to meet this man. Today is the day. So, chins up, here I go.

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We arrive at the Festival and register. The ladies at the desk inform us, among other things, that there is going to be a banquet this evening. We may attend - if we pay. We ponder the price and, after some serious discussion of whether or not it is necessary and/or worth the money, we decide we will attend.

I realize that I need cash and we ask where we might find the ATM. The woman behind the registration table points to her right and we make our move in that direction. Just then, a tall, denim clad cowboy walks past us to our left. IT IS ROBERT FULLER. Just walked right past us. Geeze! He did it so well, too. I mean, it was almost like he walks right past people every day or something. *sigh* My heart begins to pound. He is in front of us, now. I stop dead in my tracks and point as I whisper. "Judy! That's him!"

"Who?"

"Mr. Fuller. It's him-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHO'?!"

"Sorry...  No, Carol, that is not him. Why do you think that is him?"

(I have told you all that he is now in FRONT of us, right?)

By the way, in case you were wondering, I have completely forgotten that I was going to the ATM - so did Judy - and we are now following Mr. Fuller up a narrow hallway... We don't know where we are going and we do not care. (In fact, I am not even sure that either of us had the conscious realization that we no longer knew where we were going... or that we did not care...)

Never mind. I don't care.

We get to the end of the hallway and there are two elevators. He stops to wait for one of them and we have nowhere to go. The diggity-dang hallway ended! The idea that we just followed him - like rats following the pied piper -  hits me right between the eyes and I get a serious case of the laughs. Judy tries to quiet me. No hope. I have to walk back down the hallway. I am out of control, laughing. It was extremely embarrassing. But very funny! The poor man was probably going up to his room for a rest... or something... and there we were, about to unwittingly, through no fault of our own, accost him. This was not our intention, I promise. It is just that, well, I think we had been hypnotized. (Musta been the aliens!)

As soon as we gather our composure and ask each other what it was that we were doing when this chance sighting happened, and then manage to get past the idea that neither of us has a clue, we chalk it up to experience, audibly wish Barb had been there to chaperone us, and enter the Festival.

Immediately, we meet up with some cowboy look-alikes: Paladin, Burl Ives, and Gene Autry (who will become dear, integral parts of this memory by tomorrow.) They point out some of the more interesting attractions and Judy and I begin to make the rounds.

In no time, Judy spies the dashing Alex Cord, whom she had met, I think in 2002, and we rush over to him so she can say, "Hi. Remember me?" Now, you all think this is foolish, don't you? Ah, but I can testify that he DOES remember her. They chat like old friends. It is very cool. I am jealous. (But in a good way!) I want a photo of Mr. Cord for my friend, David. But I cannot purchase it just now because I need cash. Judy and I look at one another and simultaneously exclaim, "THE ATM!" and then dissolve into fits of laughter. Mr. Cord stares at us, blankly...

After awhile, I run onto some of my other Internet friends, namely, Moira and Angelika, whom I had never met face to face and that is, of course, a lovely experience. We are standing around chatting and joking and I see Mr. Fuller step into the room. He is positively regal! Not at all presumptuous. Just a guy entering a room. But I have to tell you that the whole room... well, it has lightened up. Everything seems suddenly brighter, more exuberant, more beautiful... more alive.

He walks right past us - AGAIN!

JEEPERS! He sure is good at that!

As he is walking along, he stops to greet an older woman who is seated in a wheel chair. She wants to speak to him a bit and he pauses and leans down to hear her. In another second he takes her hand and gingerly lowers himself in front of her. He offers her his undivided attention and converses with her - on one knee - so that his head is lower than hers. I was so moved by this. What a touching gesture! No. A sincere gesture. He is a gentleman. No one can hear what is being said and no one tries. But we all watch. He chats with her for a little while and then he makes his way up onto the platform where his table is set apart from all the other celebrities.

People line up immediately for their chance to meet him and I join the line. I am going to make a joke. I have it all planned - about how HE has waited all his life to meet ME. I hope that he will laugh, I do so want to make him laugh. Then he will shake my hand and I will have had a very nice moment, a moment that I have secretly wished for - for 44 years... COOL! I mean to say does it get cooler than THAT?

Oh yeah... it does...

Judy is videotaping... I am joking into the camcorder. My other friends are all lined up with their cameras and we notice that this bystander, who no one of our group seems to know, decides this must be significant, on account of everyone lined up with cameras like they were, and he figures he should snap away too... This tickles me! Before I know it, it is my turn. I am so busy joking with everyone, that one of the gals has to speak out.

"Carol, go up."

I turn towards the table. (I pray, "Help me, Lord, to say the right thing.") There he is. Sitting there, wearily looking up at me. No one is between Robert Fuller and me. ("Stay with me, Lord, I want to make him laugh.") I approach. He stands. We clasp hands. I am opening my mouth to speak, jokes at the ready and... and I tell him why he has meant a lot to me - as a child and throughout my life. He smiles. I am confused. This is NOT what I had planned to say. NOT what I had on the tip of my tongue. (I resist the urge to look around to see Who it was Who had spoken when it was my turn and was interfering with my special meeting.) We speak about his photographs and one in particular, from his Laramie days, that I had overheard him tell another fan was his favorite. I ask for THAT one. We speak of Laramie. He writes something lovely on the photograph and gives it to me as a gift. I like that. I am hanging on by a thread... I turn to walk away and Moira calls out to him that he needs to get up and let her get a few shots of us together. Judy is still videotaping... He nods his head in agreement and stands. He comes out from behind the table and gives me a hug. I savor it. He stands next to me and we smile pretty for the camera, uh, cameras.

My friends, new and old (and one bystander) are all lined up snapping and flashing away. Oh, it is grand! I feel so...mmmm.... Actually, I do not feel anything. It is all very smooth. Very entertaining. Suitably distracting. Right up until Moira has a problem with her camera.

NOTE: Switching back to past tense.  Detaching.

I did not know what was wrong, if it was her flash or her focus that was giving her a problem, but she beckoned us to wait for "just one minute."  Mr. Fuller said it was fine with him and there we were standing there - together. (He did it so well, too. It was almost like he stands every day. Is there anything that he can't do?)  He was on my right.  His left arm was around my back and his hand was set casually upon my shoulder. He is joking and teasing with me and I had the dreamy sensation of his blessedly smoky voice in my ear. That is when it happened.

Whether the din actually died down or not, I do not know, but the room seemed to go quiet for an instant and, in that instant, it occurred to me that THIS WAS IT! This was the moment. The answer to the little-girl prayers I had prayed all those years ago:  To know what it was like to be standing with Jess Harper like this.  I imagined it, hundreds, maybe thousands of times... his arm, his voice, his comforting words... just like this.  In my little-girl imagination, whenever I was frightened or weak, he used to put his arm around me, as brothers do, and say, "Smile." - - Now, all these years later, here he was standing next to me whispering, "Are you smiling?"

I darn near collapsed.

Not because I was standing next to 'actor, Robert Fuller'.  NO.  Rather, because it dawned on me, in that most profound moment, that God had cared about my prayer all those years ago... when I thought I was so alone... HE listened to my prayer.  This was the affirmation.  I could barely contain myself.

Afraid I would be unable to maintain my composure much longer, I implored Moira, "Please hurry up. You have to hurry up, now."

Mr. Fuller squeezed my shoulder and whispered something kind.  I figured he had experienced emotional, irrational women trembling in his arms before.  But this time, it was not about him...

A most precious moment. Unlike any other.





Later that evening, I did the single most horrible thing I have ever done in my life...