*** THE BEGINNING ***  

March 1, 2006  

With another winter coming to a close, I am dreamily anticipating my trip to Arizona to visit with my beloved childhood hero, Jess Harper (aka: Actor - and friend, Robert Fuller).  

The other day, quite out of nowhere, this wonderful story took shape in my head.  It's about a widow and an actor and how they, in spite of their living worlds apart, manage to meet and establish a lifelong friendship.   The story was inspired in part by my feelings for Bob but primarily by a conversation between a friend and I.  We spoke of two relatively famous actors who happen to be of our age group and actually grew up in our neighborhood, but whom we never really encountered during those years.   I had mentioned that I often think of them and wish I knew them better because I happen to find acting an interesting phenomenon and actors, intriguing. 

Whenever I am in the company of an actor, I am remiss if I do not seize the opportunity to flood them with questions.   Most are delighted to have been asked to talk about themselves and their craft, so it has never become a problem.  I dare say it has provided some of the most exciting conversations of my life!   Remembering some of those conversations and coupling them with the if-only's that inevitably follow… If only I had been speaking to so-and-so who grew up in my neighborhood, then I would have been able to ask about such-and-such and whether it has become part of the equation when he designs a character for stage or screen.   I would not be so shy about asking the real questions.  Like: What is method acting anyway?  What other kinds of acting are there?   How do you determine which is best for you?  Can you employ both… or all, as the case may be?  Is acting like every other art; do you have to continue to learn, practice, grow?   Or, is it a once-you-got-it, you-got-it kind of thing?  Does the material speak or touch you differently each time you approach it?   How did you manage to display so much emotion without letting go in that scene?  Conversely, how did you let it all go in that other scene?   Are you ever intimidated by a role; are you ever frightened by a character?  And so on…

All that said, my forte in writing falls into the character driven love story, typically I adore writing romance and friendship.   Now I had the foundation for a powerful give and take.  He would be an actor comfortably ensconced in a life of fame, fortune, and conflict.   She would be an established widow, pining for her man yet joyfully content with a basic, simple life.  Her attraction to and need for simplicity leaves her, like me, utterly intrigued by what makes someone need worldwide fame; adoration on a grand scale.    

Now if I can put the actor and the widow together…

Once the inspiration hit in the middle of the night as it so often does with me owing to the occasional bout with insomnia that has plagued me since childhood there was no getting away from it.  It was alive!  And taking over my every waking moment…

Happy does not begin to describe how I felt.  It had been a long time since I'd written something of my own.  I've been called upon so many times in the last four years to beta-read, edit, and ghostwrite for others that it took most of my time.   In ghostwriting, one must adapt her voice to mimic the voice of another.  While I am better at this than most people, which has always served as a blessing, I have been working on such a huge project that my own voice has begun to evade me.   I felt I had lost my mo-jo.  Still I was enjoying helping everyone else; it is always an honor to be asked to touch someone else's art… (Just think about that; to touch their art, touch it UP in some cases…   WOW!)

I already had the story completely mused and ready to go.  My own life is filled to the brim with wonderful colorful characters.  Writing it came as easy as A-B-C.  Uh, that is, up until I had to write the actor.  After untold hours of research into Scottish genealogy, I'd decided that his name is to be Benjamin Logan MacGregor; his screen name, B. Logan MacGregor, his slang name, "B-Lo" pronounced BEE-Low.   This nickname will be jokingly adopted by all his hometown friends and is indeed intended to be a significant metaphor.   His close friends and his family call him Logan and have since he was a child.

As with all works, this one ebbed and flowed just as I expected, mostly flowing, sometimes flooding; the occasional dam needing removal.   A wonderful experience for me and I have to say my family shared in my joyful exuberance with tons of enthusiasm and support.  Life's been good.  

I had written my main female character, Cassie Fraser up to the point where she meets the actor.   He needs to be introduced and I am at a stand still.  Can't find a suitable muse.  Until now I had been under the impression that I would use one of the two or perhaps a combination of both local-boys-turned-actor for my Logan-muse.   Now that the story has begun to form, neither of them fits the bill.  This is a huge problem.  I have the story in my head.   It's all mapped out.  Everyone else is mused, easy to write…  But my main character, Logan, on the other hand, has no soul.

I know what he looks like: he's Scottish - pale, red-haired, impish;   I know what he sounds like:  his deep-alto voice has a soft rasp to it – very masculine, soothing, sexy;  I know how tall he is: five-ten to six-one.  He has to fit well with Cassie who is only five-four.  I know that he is fit, strong, capable; out-doorsy, loves sports and rough-housing.  I know that he is ambidextrous; artsy as well as analytical and methodical, his two sides frequently conflict and I know that he's probably got some degree of ADD/ADHD.   Never satisfied, always seeking after something, he reads voraciously.  (Reading is his hiding place.)  He speaks at least three languages:  English, French, and Gaelic; plays at least two instruments, preferably piano and guitar; paints, preferably oils but has been known to sketch when the mood strikes.  And is aloof enough that when he disappears from the public eye for a time, no one makes a fuss; he does that sort of thing.   Not really Hollywood driven but rather by the love of his craft.    He is also handy around the house, and garden - something that may not fit, but I need him to be so…   Logan is a renaissance man.  Just as Cassie, in a much more subdued way, is a renaissance woman.   I know he leans toward narcissism, while Cassie channels her loving energies outward, suffering from the polar opposite, no sense of self.

I have found a muse for Cassie in myself.  (Bet that's a shock.)  Standing at 5'4" tall, she is copper skinned Native American/Scottish with longish medium brown hair.  Light brown/ amber eyes and a slim figure with nice sized tits.  She is remarkably fit for a woman her age owing to her interests in Yoga, martial arts and endurance training.  She sings in 5 octaves and plays both the piano and the violin; is fascinated with language and communication - speaks English and Lakota fluently, is infatuated with Latin, French, and German, and struggles with Gaelic and Korean.   Currently studying (Native American) Indian Sign Language.  Her best feature is her smile.  Her best quality a positive outlook and the gift of encouragement.  

Unfortunately, Cassie has no self esteem and looks to the men in her life for validation because she never had parents.   (The men being mused by Steve, Ian McKellen, (for the character of Ronnie), James, Bob and an actor for Logan)   Where I am (sorely) lacking as a muse for Cassie, I find what I need in many of the women in my life. 

Cassie and Logan have so much in common.   They both create; he with his painting and sketching and she with her writing prose and poetry.  He shares his art with the world, she keeps hers to herself .  They both love music and play several instruments.  Logan will step up to play anytime, Cassie will not sing for anyone except her family and closest friends.    They both speak several languages.  They are both fit, strong, capable; out-doorsy, love sports.   They are both ambidextrous; artsy as well as analytical and methodical.  But while his two sides frequently conflict due to ADD/ADHD, Cassie possibly due to her low self esteem does not have this issue of conflict .  They both read voraciously though not always for the same reasons.  Reading is Cassie's hiding place too, but they can be a bit off on their timing here.   He has to read for business, scripts and such and she frequently reads to admire a writer's style or cadence.  They love to discuss the books, though, and read to one another frequently.    The things they do not have in common also serve to being them closer together.  Cassie can barely draw a straight line and has always dreamed of being capable of creating art on canvas.  Logan cannot sing a note and has always dreamed of being a rock star.   In this, they admire each other's talents and live vicariously through each other.

Steve is the muse for, uh, Steve.   (How's that for creativity?!)  Steve is a drop dead, gorgeous Adonis!   Completely devoted to Cassie as she is to him…  

My kids muse the kids… (I know, I know... You are astounded at my creative talents.)

And then came Logan… B. Logan MacGregor… B-Lo… and his alter ego, Jamie MacIntosh…

I have been wracking my brain for days; weeks.   It's a blank.   I know I need an actor.  I know what he must look like, sound like… I know what his essence must be…   I also know that I may be groping at straws to think that my plot is even feasible, if such a thing can happen:    Cassie has to meet him and not know who he is.   Yet, at the same time, he has to be incredibly famous in the UK.  This is a very unlikely scenario and I do not know if such a thing can be believable.   If it can even happen, given the intermingling of our cultures.

Why can't I find him?   Where is he?  It really can't be this difficult! 

Okay, well, I choose not to torture myself further with this.   He is out there and I will know him when I see him.  That's a given!  For now this project, much as I love it, must be placed upon the shelf.  

I am going to go outside and do some gardening!   I'm working on a new Iris and maybe the separation from this dilemma will bring the solution. 

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CM 

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